I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
