Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
