I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
jump out the window naked night went bad
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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