I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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