The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
