Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
