A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
