he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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