Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Boobs are out for the taking
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
