i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
