In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
