i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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