if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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