If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
