Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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