he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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