Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
