this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Text me some of your sweat
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
