She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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