I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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