Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
