Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
