If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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