I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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