i always forget guys have bellybuttons
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
