thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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