you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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