i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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