sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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