i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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