i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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