Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
