I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
