I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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