mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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