I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
