i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
