dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
