Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
