yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
