Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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