I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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