I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
