I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize