Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
