..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
