so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
