I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Randomize
