I think i peed on brittanys purse
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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