Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
