Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
