I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I can't turn off my feet"
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
