you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize
