We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
