what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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