If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
