and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
