There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
