Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
