Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
