I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
