I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Randomize
