dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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