dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
