I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
